Eagles Nest BBS 5/Eagles_Nest_Mac_Collection_Disc_5.TOAST/Other Non-Macintosh Text/HUMOR31-40/hum035

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Date:         Sun, 6 Mar 1994 05:58:33 -0500
From: BITNET list server at UGA (1.7f) <[e-mail]>
Subject:      File: "HUMOR LOG00035"
To: Jack Zibert <[e-mail]>

HUMOR LOG #35
==========
Date:         Thu, 7 Oct 1993 16:43:07 -0700
From:         Linda White <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Update - re Chain Letter

For those who have asked:

The person who sent me the joke chain letter reported that, during the two
days it took to get the joke on this list, a freak wind gust toppled a
large tree onto his storage shed.

A friend to whom I forwarded it said that as he was downloading it, his
computer flashed the error message "disk full" and froze.

So far, it didn't do the first person any good because of the time and
energy he's having to expend cleaning up the mess. Maybe he waited too
long before sending it on once he received it.

I suggested to the second person that he didn't even have to send it on
for the chain letter to work: with his computer down, he could spend more
time with his wife.


- Linda
==========
Date:         Fri, 8 Oct 1993 07:41:00 EST
From:         "Haussler, BJ." <[e-mail]>
Subject:      TRUE STORY!

This TRUE STORY from my secretary......Last week her mother was getting her
usual "do" when her hairdresser relayed a previous-day experience:
     The hairdresser (owner) was getting ready to close up her shop when a
man came in and asked if she could give him a "quick cut" before she closed.
She agreed,and as she was trimming the guy's hair, he put his hand under the
"cape" and the cape started moving. (She became somewhat uncomfortable.)

     Then, the lady got REAL concerned when the man put his OTHER hand
under the cape and the cape started moving MORE; she thought she was trimming
the hair of a PERVERT. She then panicked, took a hairdryer and smashed the
man up-side his head, causing him to black out on the floor........


     The lady hurried and called 911, police came............only to find out

that the poor guy was JUST CLEANING HIS GLASSES!

                                                    Beej
==========
Date:         Fri, 8 Oct 1993 11:58:39 +0100
From:         Alun Richards <[e-mail]>
Subject:      More Franglais Jokes

1: "Frappe, frappe."   2: "Qui est la?"
1: "Lors"              2: "Lors qui?
1: "Oui, that's why I frapped"

Q: Why doesn't a Frenchman have 2 eggs for breakfast?
A: Because one egg is un oeuf.
==========
Date:         Fri, 8 Oct 1993 07:56:00 EDT
From:         "Musat, Bob" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      computer dictionary - part 8 of 9

 - - - - - - - - -
COMPUTER DICTIONARY
By Phillip M Chow and Kenneth P Coles

SERIAL:  Wheaties, Cheerios, etc.
SIMULATOR:  What you actually purchased when you bought your computer.  Also
see MAINFRAME.
STACK:  The area of a computer's memory used to collect garbage bytes.
STAND ALONE:  What happens to a programmer when he starts talking about
computers at a party.
STATE OF THE ART:  Undefined.
SUBROUTINE:  Close hatches before diving.
SUBSCRIPT:  Generally inferior to SUPERSCRIPT.
SUPERSCRIPT:  Generally superior to SUBSCRIPT.
TERMINAL:  Mental state of programmers.
USER:  Someone requiring drug rehabilitaion.
VOLATILE STORAGE:  A disk drive filled with nitroglycerine.
WORK STATION:  The last place where you'll find a programmer.
WRITE:  Opposite of wrong.
==========
Date:         Fri, 8 Oct 1993 07:28:17 CST
From:         Weasel <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Sexist Q&A

Q. Why are women like postage stamps?
A. You lick 'em, you stick 'em, then you send them on their way.
==========
Date:         Fri, 8 Oct 1993 12:33:45 EDT
From:         Tiffany Martin <[e-mail]>
Subject:      mildly sexist

There were three men walking on a beach.  While walking the found a bottle.
  One man picked up the bottle and rubbed it a couple of times.  All of a
sudden a genie popped out and said, "Your wish is my command."  The first man
replied, "make me 10 times smarter than I am now."  The genie waved his hands
and said,"Poof!  You are now 10 times smarter than you were."

   The second man decided to rub the bottle and the genie popped out again and
said, "Your wish is my command."  And the second man replied," Make me 100
times amarter than I am now."  The genie waved his hands and said, "Poof!  you
are now 100 times smarter than you were."

   The third man picked up the bottle and rubbed it and out popped the genie
again.  The genie said, "Your wish is my command."  The third man replied,"
O.K.
make me 1000 times smarter than I am right now."  The genie waved his hands
and
said, "Poof, you are a WOMAN! "

**That is dedicated to all the sexist males**
==========
Date:         Fri, 8 Oct 1993 13:34:25 EDT
From:         Steven Gorelick <[e-mail]>
Organization: The Graduate School / CUNY

Does anyone know some stories/jokes about the experiences of new
immigrants, particularly relating to learning a new language, culture?

Steve Gorelic
[e-mail]
==========
Date:         Fri, 8 Oct 1993 13:45:11 EDT
From:         Paul Worth <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Immigrants and new culture

Jose was new to the U.S. and was attending a baseball game with his cousins.
They had really bad seats and Jose was seated right behind the flagpole.  He
found that if he stood up in his seat he could see over the top of the pole.
He had never attended a baseball game before and wasn't sure what to expect.
Imagine his surprise when a band came onto the field, everyone stood up, took
off their hats, turned toward him, and sang in unison "Jose, can you see?".
What a great country!

==========
Date:         Fri, 8 Oct 1993 13:53:29 EST
From:         Sara Rummelhart <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Ethnic mocking <rude to targets>

These are examples of ethnic jokes I read this summer. I am not
repeating them here to be offensive to any of the target groups.
I enjoyed them as humor which people tell during their dark moods.

Q: what is the difference between the Itialian mafia and the Polish Mafia?
A1: The Itialian Mafia makes you an offer you can't refuse,
A2:  The Polish mafia makes you an offer you can't understand.

A stupid pygmy joke:

"What do you call the black stuff between an elephant's toes?"
Slow pygmies

Another American ethnic joke

"What do you get when you cross a Vietnamese with a Puerto Rican"?
A car thief that can't drive.

This is an very funny joke I came across after the Indo-Pak war in
1971. Here it goes....

Somewhere near the Indo-pak border there was fierce fighting. On
one side of the border the Sikh Regiment was shooting
indiscriminately at the Paki side. All of sudden the Commander of
the Sikh regiment got a brilliant idea.

He stood up and yelled Multan Ahmed !!!
On the other side Multan Ahmed of Paki forces stood up and boom he
was history.

Next the Commander stood up and yelled Imtiaz Ali
Sure enough Imtiaz Ali stood and boom boom he was also confined to
the dustbin.

All day this went on.

This strategy was surely working and by the end of the day many
paki soldiers were dead. At dawn, the commander of the Paki forces
called his remaining soldiers for a meeting. Now they were able to
figure out what went wrong. They were stupid and decided that this
will not happen again. This time no one will stand up even if they
call out our name again and again.

Come next morning, the commander of Sikh regiment very pleased with
yesterday's results tried the same stunt.

"Ahmed Hussain"

Nobody got up from the other side.

"Ahmed Hussain"

No response once again.

The commander was perplexed, he yelled out for his second-in-
command Satnam Singh.

Sure enough everybody from the other side got up to say there is no
Satnam Singh!!!

Boom Boom boom boom .....


Now we know why pakis lost the war.....
==========
Date:         Fri, 8 Oct 1993 11:28:13 -0700
From:         Mike McNair <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Haunted House

With this being a Christian group, you probably want to stay away from
anything that may be interpreted as satanic, etc. and just go with
something scary.  Aside from decorations, there are other things to
consider.  For instance, the food.  Since this is a youth activity,
consider serving 'bloody fingers' (hot dogs smothered in catsup),
'worms' (gummy worms), 'martian eye-balls' (green olives), etc.  You
can have lots of fun coming up with alternate names for many foods.
Also having boxes or booths where the kids can stick there hands inside
to feel around is great.  Of course, you do not want the kids to be
able to see what they are touching.  Having things like jello, boiled
egg, cooked oatmeal, etc. provide all sorts of fuel for active
imaginations.

------------------------------------------------------------
Mike McNair                                        John 3:16
[e-mail]                             Romans 10:9-13
------------------------------------------------------------
==========
Date:         Fri, 8 Oct 1993 14:42:37 LCL
From:         Rafael Lacaz Ruiz <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Another canibal

(Sorry if it is repeated...)
Once upon a time, a family sitting round a table.
The daughter complaims:
- Mom, I don't like my brother.
- ...
- Mom, I don't like my brother!
- ...
- Mom, I don't like my brother!!!
- Shut up you, and eat !!

Rafael Lacaz Ruiz
University of Sao Paulo - Brazil
[e-mail]
==========
Date:         Fri, 8 Oct 1993 13:40:53 CDT
From:         Keith Lingwall <Keith=Lingwall%DSS%NA=[e-mail]>
Subject:      Parrot Joke (Clean)

 So there's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears
like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes
straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns
him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is
driving him crazy.

One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the
throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just
makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.

Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK, fork you." and locks the bird
in a kitchen cabinet.

This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches,
and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a
stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.

At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the
freezer.

For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks
and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets _very_ quiet.

At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the
bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so
worried that he opens up the freezer door.

The bird calmly climbs onto the man's out-stretched arm and says,
"Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to
improve my vocabulary from now on."

The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that
has come over the parrot.

Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"

---------------------------------------------------------------------
Keith Lingwall          Ham Radio: KB5NSD
Network Administrator   Landline: [phone]
Compaq Computer Corp.   CIS : 76646,2325
Houston, TX             Internet: KRL%DSS%NA=[e-mail]

* Not an official spokesman for Compaq Computer Corporation *
---------------------------------------------------------------------
==========
Date:         Fri, 8 Oct 1993 15:35:42 EST
From:         Joe Mole <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Is it me? <Mulla Nasrudin>

IS IT ME YOU SEE?

     The Mulla walked into a shop one day.

     The owner came forward to serve him.

     "First things first," said Nasrudin.  "Did you see me walk
into your shop?"

     "Of course."

     "Have you ever seen me before?"

     "Never in my life."

     "Then how do you know it is me?"
==========
Date:         Fri, 8 Oct 1993 14:56:18 -0500
From:         Ian Chai <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Ketchup

Back home in Malaysia, we call catsup "tomato sauce". Soy sauce, on the
other hand, we call "kicap". [pronounced "kee chup"]

Imagine the confusion that ensured when we tried to follow an American
cooking T.V. show:
        "Now add 4 or 5 tablespoons of catsup..."

Boy, talk about *salty* meat loaf...

By the way, I noticed that a German word for soy sauce is "kidjap" or
something like that -- probably borrowed from the Dutch which is
borrowed from the Indonesian, which is a dialect of Malay. [The Dutch
used to own Indonesia.]

Yours unamericanly,
                Ian Chai
==========
Date:         Fri, 8 Oct 1993 21:57:54 -0400
From:         "Brian K. Auger" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Another canibal
Reminds me of:

- Mommy!  Mommy!  There's a spot on Daddy's leg!
- Shut up and eat around it!


> Once upon a time, a family sitting round a table.
> The daughter complaims:
> - Mom, I don't like my brother.
> - ...
> - Mom, I don't like my brother!
> - ...
> - Mom, I don't like my brother!!!
> - Shut up you, and eat !!
==========
Date:         Sat, 9 Oct 1993 02:43:02 EST
From:         Tyler Haulenbeek <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Language, sex, etc.

(WHERE THE HELL IS EVERYBODY...)

A man was walking on the beach one day, when he came across a woman
with no arms and no legs.  She was lying in the sand crying.
"What's wrong?" asked the man, feeling bad.
"Well...I've never been hugged before...."
The man felt terrible about this.  Out of pity, he picked her up and
gave her a great big hug.  And she felt better.
Suddenly, she started crying again.  "What's wrong?" asked the man,
still pitying the poor, armless, legless woman.
"Well...I've never been kissed before..."
So the man held her close and gave her a deep, soft, wet kiss.  And
she felt better.
Suddenly, once again the woman began to cry. "What's wrong now?"
asked the man.
"Well, I've never been fucked before..."
So the man picked her up and threw her into the nearby ocean. "NOW
YOU'RE FUCKED!!!"

--------------
THIS JOKE IS GROSS.  ENJOY.

There's a sixty-five year old virgin, and she goes into the gynecologist
office.  "I think I've got crabs," she says.
"How can you have crabs?  You're a virgin!" says the doctor.  "Let me
take a look here..."
So she spreads her legs and he takes a look. A few minutes later, he
tells the woman, "Nope, you don't have crabs..."
"Well then, what is it?"  the woman asks.
"You've got fruit flies. Your cherry's rotten."

---------------------------------------

I had another joke, but I can't freakin' think of it.
If I remember, I'll post it. (How DO you keep a moron in suspense?)

-Tyler Haulenbeek (Haulenbeek: Dutch for "pulling a bird's face")

   "I must, I must, I must increase my bust..." -Lords of Acid
==========
Date:         Sat, 9 Oct 1993 01:05:51 -0700
From:         Linda White <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Short ones (clean)

"Where is everybody?" he asked.
I don't know, but here are a few from recent Joke A Day calendar pages:

Optimist: Someone with little experience.

---------

Bert: My sister always sings in the shower.
Ernie: Mine, too. She really should sing on the radio.
Bert: She's that good, eh?
Ernie: No, but then I could turn her off!

---------

Rinky: I'm reading a very interesting article on the makeup of the Supreme
Court.
Dinky: Gosh, I didn't know they wore any!

---------

Betty: My son's majoring in music at college. He plays the tuba.
Hetty: Is he any good?
Betty: Good! Why, he's graduating Magna Cum Loud!

---------

Felix: I don't think George is going to make it as a politician.
Oscar: Why not?
Felix: Well, take that speech he gave yesterday...when he asked if they
could hear him in the back and the answer was "no," everyone in front
moved to the back!

---------

Nostalgia buff: someone who finds the past perfect and the present tense.

---------

Olive: It's my golden anniversary!
Angie: It can't be! You only got married in 1986.
Olive: Yes, but I count the time in dog years!

---------

Why are horses lousy dancers?
They have two left feet.

- Linda, filling in until the funny people get back online
==========
Date:         Sat, 9 Oct 1993 13:04:33 SAT
From:         Hani Al-Sumairi <[e-mail]>
Organization: King Fahd University of Petroleum and Minerals, S.A.
Subject:      answer: WOMEN & COWS

   this is the answer for: whats the difference between a woman and
a cow's milk...
   when you *USE* cows milk you gain energy, but when you *USE* a woman
you loose energy ...*winks*

  whats the relationship between WOMEN and ALIANS?
 answer: they both do no usefull things for EARTH !!!!!!

two persons, one man and one woman..went togather to sell their brains
they woman's brain was 1000 times more expensive than the man's brain.!
why do you think so????? :)

   answer, for those who cannt wait:

the woman's brain hasnt been used before !!!!! *sorry girls* :)

                          Abdullah Al-Sumairi
==========
Date:         Sat, 9 Oct 1993 17:03:16 SAT
From:         Ayman Sammy <[e-mail]>
Organization: King Fahd University of Petroleum and Minerals, S.A.
Subject:      What do MEN say about WOMEN ?

hi all, this is my first post, hope you like it.

        One day, a person came to his friends and asked them what is
   *WOMAN* in your opinion ? the first one was an American, he  said
   "Woman is like a fower if you take care of it, it will last long.
   If you don't, you can replace it with another one."

   The second was an English man, he said "Woman is  like a  can  of
   Pepsi as you finish it, just throw it." The last one was a French
   He said "Waman is like a cassette when side one is finished reverse
   to side two."

                                          Ayman
                                     <*CraZyAyman*>
==========
Date:         Sat, 9 Oct 1993 10:27:43 CDT
From:         Ed Johnson <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Comps

Comp (a.k.a. prelims) time was just a day away at a particular leading
university.  To add a little variety to the already tense situation, a couple
second-year doctoral students came up with the following bogus comp questions
that were "accidentally" left in the communication department's copy machine:

1) Which is preferable: qualitative or quantitative research?

2) Develop an algorithm for post-structuralist theory.

3) What is the fallacy of analysis?

4) Partition the principal components of the following numbers in a simple
path analysis:

         98.6  14  27
         -1    44   0

5) What aspect of Bertalanffy's General System Theory explains Terret's
Syndrome?

6) Construct the three analytic models that have replaced Foucault's
discoursive formation.
==========
Date:         Sat, 9 Oct 1993 11:42:41 -0600
Comments:     Warning -- original Sender: tag was [e-mail]
From:         Steve Gorelick <[e-mail]>

Some great Henny Youngman jokes:

1) I once bet on a horse that was so slow I bet it to live.

2) My wife is such a bad cook that, when I wake up in the morning, all the
roaches have hung themselves on dental floss.

3) Doctor: You only have six months to live.

Man: I can't pay the bill.

Doctor: Allright, I'll give you another six months.

4) A man to his psychiatrist after waiting for an hour: Doctor, no one pays
any attention to me.

Doctor: Next patient, please.

5) My daughter had an affair and didn't even bother to have it catered.

Any Henny Youngman fans out there?
==========
Date:         Sat, 9 Oct 1993 13:03:06 CDT
Comments:     To: [e-mail]
Comments:     Resent-From: EJOHNSO3@UA1VM
Comments:     Originally-From: ROBERT RYAN <[e-mail]>
From:         Ed Johnson <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Home from the Honeymoon (sexual content)

You need to read _Latin for All Occasions_ by Henry Beard (1990) New York:
Villard Books.

Here are a few examples from the section,"Latin Bumper Stickers for You
Chariot":

FRENA PRO FERIS TENEO
*I stop for animals

CUM CATAPULTAE PROSCRIPTAE ERUNT TUM SOLI PROSCRIPTI CATAPULTAS
HABEBUNT
*When catapults are outlawed, only outlaws will have catapults.


The following are some other handy lines from the book:

Dic! Itane est!
* You don't say!

Raptus regaliter
*Royally screwed

Num ista condicio optima est?
*Is that your best offer?

Ego te demitto.
*You're fired

Lege atque lacrima
*Read 'em and weep.

Noli me vocare, ego te vocabo.
*Don't call me, I'll call you.

Braccae tuae aperiuntur
*Your fly is open.

Foras gradiamur.
Let's step outside.

Apudne te vel me?
*Your place or mine?

Venite ac capite!
*Come and get it!

Da mihi habenas.
*Give me a break.
==========
Date:         Sat, 9 Oct 1993 21:55:23 EST
From:         Tommy Hughes <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Taglines from the Internet

These tagline are in the Tom Swifty tradition of humor:

You tell 'em Bald Head, you're smooth.
You tell 'em Banana, you've been skinned.
You tell 'em Bank, you're safe.
You tell 'em Bean, He's stringing you.
You tell 'em Brake, you've got the drag.
You tell 'em Butcher, you've got a lot of tongue.
You tell 'em Cabbage, you've got the head.
You tell 'em Cat, That's what you're fur.
You tell 'em Chloroform, you can put them to sleep.
You tell 'em Church Bell, I told you.
You tell 'em Clock, you've got the time.
You tell 'em Dentist, you've got the pull.
You tell 'em Hard-Boiled Egg, you're hard to beat.
You tell 'em June, And don't July.
You tell 'em Manicurist, I've been trimmed.
You tell 'em Mountain, I'm only a bluff.
You tell 'em Operator, you've got their number.
You tell 'em Printer, I'm not your type.
You tell 'em Railroad, It's not along my line.
You tell 'em Skyscraper, you have more than one story.
You tell 'em Teacher, you've got the class.
==========
Date:         Sun, 10 Oct 1993 01:40:15 EST
From:         Tyler Haulenbeek <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Masturbation joke.

Just a quickie (another one from Jack the drunken one...):
FATHER: Jack, if masturbate, you'll go blind.
JACK:  Dad, I'm over HERE.

      "I swore I would be true, and honey, so did you...
       So why were you holding her hand?  Is that the way we stand?
       We're lying all the time..."   -the Cranberries
==========
Date:         Sun, 10 Oct 1993 03:24:02 EST
From:         Tyler Haulenbeek <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Death of Barney

Hi everybody...I know I already made a post, today, but I had to share
this with ya...
I recently received a little story (250+ lines) about Barney meeting
his distant cousins...it's really gross, and really, really anti-Barney
the Purple Hugasaurus, and (to me, anyways) REALLY FREAKIN' FUNNY.
I unfortunately can't post it to this list, apparantly due to its
length.  BUT I would be happy to send it to anyone who asks.
I'm not sure who the original author is, but I did propose to them,
solely because of their anti-Barney attitude. Sooooo, if you hate Barney
as much as I do, let me know, and I'll send this lovely little story to
you.  (NOT FOR THE MEEK)
==========
Date:         Sun, 10 Oct 1993 15:45:29 LCL
From:         LEUSCHNE <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Reincarnation (ever so slightly offensive perhaps)

Consider the story of the two octogenarians on a park bench. One asks
the other:

"Do you believe in reincarnation?"

"Well, Joe," replies Harry, "I've never really thought much about it."
  tis
ng to go first.  Le
t's agree that the one who is left behind will
come to this park bench every Wednesday at 11:00 a.m., and the one who
has departed will find a way of getting a message to him at that time
about reincarnation and all those other things that are beyond our ken."

Harry agrees.

One month later, Joe dies peacefully in his sleep.  Every week for
several months, Harry takes up his station at the park bench at 11:00
a.m.

Then one Wednesday, at the appointed hour, he hears a voice, as though
from afar.

"Harry, Harry, can you hear me?" the voice says.  "It's Joe."

"Joe, for heaven's sake, what is it like?"

"You wouldn't believe it, Harry, about the only thing you do up here is
make love.  They wake you up at seven in the morning and you make love
until noon.  After lunch and a nap, you're at it again right through
until dinner time."

"Good gosh, Joe, what are you and where are you?"

"I'm a rabbit in Montana!"

------
From: Cousins, Norman (1990), The laughter prescription, Saturday
Evening Post, 262(6), 32-40

  Burkhard Leuschner Paedagogische Hochschule,  Schwaebisch Gmuend,
  Germany [e-mail]  Leuschne@dulruu51
==========
Date:         Sun, 10 Oct 1993 13:11:13 EST
From:         Tyler Haulenbeek <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Barney SUCKS

Hi again, everyone...
Well, that Barney story post has been on for less than 12 hours, and
I've gotten at LEAST 10 responses...
I THINK I answered everyone...if I forgot you, let me know...
BTW, with someone's permission, I COULD just break it down into smaller
bits and post in on the list...
How 'bout it, people-in-charge?
==========
Date:         Sun, 10 Oct 1993 13:43:56 -0700
From:         Linda White <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Barney SUCKS
Waiter: Are you ready to order, sir?
Diner: Yes. I'd like a hamburger, and make it lean.
Waiter: Yes, sir; which way, sir?
==========
Date:         Sun, 10 Oct 1993 22:02:47 LCL
From:         LEUSCHNE <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Reincarnation (ever so slightly offensive perhaps)

Consider the story of the two octogenarians on a park bench. One asks
the other:

"Do you believe in reincarnation?"

"Well, Joe," replies Harry, "I've never really thought much about it."

"Maybe we ought to start thinking about it," says Joe.  "One of us is
going to go first.  Let's agree that the one who is left behind will
come to this park bench every Wednesday at 11:00 a.m., and the one who
has departed will find a way of getting a message to him at that time
about reincarnation and all those other things that are beyond our ken."

Harry agrees.

One month later, Joe dies peacefully in his sleep.  Every week for
several months, Harry takes up his station at the park bench at 11:00
a.m.

Then one Wednesday, at the appointed hour, he hears a voice, as though
from afar.

"Harry, Harry, can you hear me?" the voice says.  "It's Joe."

"Joe, for heaven's sake, what is it like?"

"You wouldn't believe it, Harry, about the only thing you do up here is
make love.  They wake you up at seven in the morning and you make love
until noon.  After lunch and a nap, you're at it again right through
until dinner time."

"Good gosh, Joe, what are you and where are you?"

"I'm a rabbit in Montana!"

------
From: Cousins, Norman (1990), The laughter prescription, Saturday
Evening Post, 262(6), 32-40

  Burkhard Leuschner Paedagogische Hochschule,  Schwaebisch Gmuend,
  Germany [e-mail]  Leuschne@dulruu51
==========
Date:         Sun, 10 Oct 1993 20:57:01 -0400
From:         Byron Lanning <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Etymology of the word grok

                                         Copywright 1993 by Byron Lanning

According to the Peter Funk Press, the word grok originated from the Old
English word groaks, a form of sugar coated groats which came with a secret
prize in every package. It became the favorite breakfast cereal of Old
English kids, and they begged their parents to buy it for them whenever they
went shopping at the grocery store.

Some soothsayers during the reign of Alfred the Great could read the lumps
in groaks and foretell the future. For instance, the soothsayer Madame Thug
read a bowl of groaks once and predicted the next week will arrive on time
and it did as she exactly said. Later, another soothsayer Ms. Buttcrack
predicted that Old English would evolve into Middle English. This went
against the conventional assumption that Old English would become Older
English then Oldest English then Dead English, and King Harold made her swim
the English Channel in a suit of armor.

Roger Bacon, the philosopher and monastery-man, who theorized that someday
gunpowder would become the premier food preservative and called mercury
"really cool stuff," used the word groaks as a verb when he said, I don't
groak at all why my Encyclopedia of Useful Knowledge didn't make the NY
Times Best Seller List."

During the Black Death the a in groak came down with plague and the National
Institute of Health had it burned, which left us with the word grok.
==========
Date:         Sun, 10 Oct 1993 22:11:37 -0400
From:         Michael Ligas <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Sexist Joke (gross, offensive, immature)

Why do women have foreheads?

So you have a place to kiss them after you cum in their mouth.
==========
Date:         Sun, 10 Oct 1993 22:32:03 EST
From:         Joe Mole <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Looking for eggs <Mulla>

META-THINKING

     "What are you doing, Mulla?"

     "Looking for eggs."

     "There are no eggs in last year's nest!"

     "Don't be too sure," said Nasrudin, "if you were a bird and
wanted to protect your eggs, would you build a new nest, with
everyone watching?"
==========
Date:         Sun, 10 Oct 1993 22:05:03 -0500
From:         Ian Chai <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Oxygen (was Re:  Etymology of the word grok)

Objoke: (Main part written by: Craig Werner (MD/PhD '91))

                                  OXYGEN
                                  ------

Oxygen is a very toxic gas and an extreme fire hazard. It is fatal in
concentrations of as little as 0.000001 p.p.m. Humans exposed to these oxygen
concentrations die within a few minutes. Symptoms resemble very much those of
cyanide poisoning (blue face, etc.) In higher concentration e.g. about 20%,
the toxic effect is somewhat delayed and it takes about 2.5 billion
inhalations before death takes place. The reason for the delay is the
difference in mechanism of the toxic effect of of oxygen in 20% concentration.
It apparently contributes to a complex process called aging, of which very
little is known, except that it is always fatal.

However, the main disadvantage of the 20% oxygen concentration is the fact
that it is habit forming. The first inhalation (occurring at birth) is
sufficient to make oxygen addiction permanent. After that, any considerable
decrease in the daily oxygen doses results in death with symptoms resembling
those of cyanide poisoning.

Concentrations higher than 20% decrease the above mentioned delay. High
oxygen concentration provokes in prematurely born babies placed in incubators
a condition known as retrolental fibroplasia resulting in blindness. Lung
irritation has been reported on experimental animals exposed for several days
to high oxygen concentrations.

Oxygen is an extreme fire hazard. All the fires that were reported in the
continental U.S. for the period of the past 25 years were found to be due to
the presence of this gas in the atmosphere surrounding the buildings in
question.

Oxygen is especially dangerous because it is odorless, colorless and
tasteless, so that its presence cannot be readily detected until it is too
late.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Ian note: This is true. Oxygen *is* very bad:  when  blue-green  algae
first  started  manufacturing  it,  it  killed  off 90% of the life on
Earth. That is why people do their best to eliminate algae from places
like refrigerators, sinks, bathrooms, etc.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
==========
Date:         Sun, 10 Oct 1993 23:18:02 -0700
From:         Linda White <[e-mail]>
Subject:      More shorties (clean)

Jenny: Why is Georgie crossing the playground?
Benny: To get to the other slide!

-----------

Lou: What happened to that electrician who stuck his finger in the live
outlet?
Bud: He was delighted.

-----------

Micky: In my opinion, Wanda's a great singer.
Nicky: Yeah, she's waterproof!
Micky: What do you mean?
Nicky: No one can drown her out!

-----------

Miser: someone who earns money the hoard way.

-----------

Big sister: Mom says babies are expensive!
Big brother: Yes, but think how long they last!

                        --- 1993 Joke a Day calendar

- Linda, who knows what day it is whether it's the right one or not

Happy Thanksgiving, Canadians!
==========
Date:         Mon, 11 Oct 1993 02:35:09 EST
From:         Theresa Muir <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: linda's shorties

>Lou: What happened to that electrician who stuck his finger in the live
>outlet?
>Bud: He was delighted.


This one reminds me of one my father told me when I was tiny;

Q: What did the firefly say when he backed into the airplane propellor?
A: Delighted, no end!

This evening, I saw an uncle of mine, who told me the following, also
when I was tiny (my older relatives had a lot of fun with me when I
was little.  At the time, I did not have the faintest idea of what
these jokes were about):

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Sam and Janet!
Sam and Janet who?
(sung) Sam and Janet Evening!

(You probably have to love musicals to get this one)

Theresa

Hey, we've done the nostalgia thing with elephants, dead babies, Helen
Keller, etc.  How about knock knock jokes?
==========
Date:         Sun, 10 Oct 1993 23:42:14 -0700
From:         Linda White <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: linda's shorties
Please! That subject sounds like wearing apparel! And I'm NOT admitting to
anything!

Taking up Theresa's challenge:

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Fido.
Fido who?
Fido known you were coming, I'd've baked a cake.


Ha! Two points! Knock-knock and musical!


- Linda, who is probably up too late
==========
Date:         Mon, 11 Oct 1993 06:55:46 EST
From:         Theresa Muir <[e-mail]>
Subject:      OK, I'll change the subject

Knock knock
Who's there?
Gorilla.
Gorilla my dreams, I love you!

and my favorite, stolen straight from the Mary Tyler Moore show (if
any of you children have cable, you can still see this on Nickelodeon, and
see what funny really is):

Knock knock
Who's there?
Anna Maria Alberghetti.
Anna Maria Alberghetti who?
Anna Maria Alberghetti in a taxi, honey . . .

Theresa
(who never got to bed)
==========
Date:         Mon, 11 Oct 1993 08:25:17 EDT
From:         John Chick <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Sexual Content, Stereotypical

So Tom has been dating this women, Wendy, for a long time and decides
to propose to her.  He buys her a ring and pops the question.  Wendy agrees
to marry him, but has had so many bad experiences with men that she finds
it hard to trust any of them.  So, she asks Tom to have her name tattooed
onto his penis and he agrees and has WENDY tattooed onto his penis.  As
fate would have it, things didn't work out and Tom and Wendy boke up before
the wedding.
    Now Tom was pretty depressed and decided to go on vacation to Jamaica
to get himself back together.  While there, he decided to go to a nudist
beach.  So he's walking on the beach and sees this Jamaican guy who also
has WENDY tattooed on his cock.  Tom goes up to him and says "excuse me
but I couldn't help noticing that you know Wendy."  The Jamaican replies
"What are you talking about man?"
Tom shows the Jamaican his tattoo and says "You have the same tattoo, you
must know Wendy."  The Jamaican replies
"I don't know any Wendy, man, and my tattoo actually says 'WElcome to
jamaica have a Nice DaY'!"
==========
Date:         Mon, 11 Oct 1993 14:42:15 +0100
From:         Alun Richards <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Holmes & Watson, Explicit, Offensive to fruit (both types)

So Sherlock Holmes & Dr. Watson have just solved another case,
and Watson is dozing lightly.  He becomes aware of his trousers
being removed, and a of yellow citrus fruit being thrust between
his buttocks.
"Holmes, Holmes, what's going on?"
"A lemon entry, my dear Watson."
==========
Date:         Mon, 11 Oct 1993 15:11:04 +0100
From:         P S Gupta <[e-mail]>
Subject:      CHUNNEL(Underground tunnel) - (Clean)

Recently, my friend circle had a new member. This time from
France. So, I was reminded of a joke I read a few years ago.
- The idea of building a chunnel between France & England was
conceived quite a few years back. I believe it goes as far as
the days of Napoleon. Now, the question was "How do we build the
chunnel ?". One suggested "Well, one man starts digging in
France, and one in England and they meet somewhere in the middle.
A question was raised "What if they don't meet ?". To which the
first one replied "Well, we shall have two chunnels..".
==========
Date:         Mon, 11 Oct 1993 09:43:58 -0600
From:         Mike Novak <[e-mail]>
Organization: SAINT LOUIS UNIVERSITY  St. Louis, MO
Subject:      Homer Simpson

This reminded me of one of my favorite snipits from _The Simpsons_:

Homer is talking with God(!) :

Homer:  God, what is the meaning of life?

  God:  Oh Homer, I can't tell you that!  You'll find out when you die.

Homer:  D'OH!!  But I can't wait that long!

  God:  You can't wait six months?!
==========
Date:         Mon, 11 Oct 1993 11:35:53 EST
From:         Joe Mole <[e-mail]>
Subject:      The Bitten Ear <Mulla>

THE BITTEN EAR

     Two men came before Nasrudin when he was acting in his
capacity of magistrate.  One said, "The man has bitten my ear--I
demand compensation."  The other said, "He bit it himself."
Nasrudin adjourned the case and withdrew to his chambers. There he
spent half an hour trying to bite his own ear.  All that he
succeeded in doing was falling over in the attempt, and bruising
his forehead.  Then he returned to the courtroom.

     "Examine the man whose ear was bitten," he ordered.  "If his
forehead is bruised, he did it himself, and the case is dismissed.
If not, the other one did it, and the bitten man is compensated
with three silver pieces."

     The right verdict had been arrived at by seemingly illogical
methods.
==========
Date:         Mon, 11 Oct 1993 12:09:10 CDT
From:         "Kevan L. Moore" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      original limericks

hello.  just some originals to prove that limerics don't have to be dirty.
gross, perhaps, but not dirty. a haiku is thrown in for free.


a teenager ate chocolate bars
as many almost as the stars
the subsequent swelling
left people rapelling
and scaling his deep facial scars


a sleepy programmer named Gene
chose to end his long fast from caffiene
he sipped sugared coffee
then screamed and took off. he
since hasn't been heard from or seen


a big-nosed hawaiian young man
had a schnoz large and flat like a fan
on a windy day he
held his face to the lee
and his outrigger sailed to japan


a artist once chiseled a cow
but could not sell his sculpture somehow
so to keep him from starving
he butchered his carving
and had marble steaks for his chow


chef dahmer had soon made his mark
with his fried-food cafe in the park
he was fair in his place
never partial to race
for he offered both white meat and dark


there once was a poet named bob
whose limericks almost were supurb
though his meter was great
and his imagery clear
he would always have trouble with rhymes


when bob wrote haiku he
never quite got the meter right
but the rhyme scheme was easy


klm
==========
Date:         Mon, 11 Oct 1993 13:47:43 EST
From:         ADKO000 Kathleen Olivier - Computer Center <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Deer Hunting Schedule (clean)

In preparation for the upcoming deer hunting season (a season which
receives more attention than Christmas in my midwest neck of the
woods) I offer the following Deer Hunter Opening Day Summation:

 1:00 a.m.  Alarm clock rings.
 2:00 a.m.  Hunting partners arrive, drag you out of bed.
 3:00 a.m.  Leave for deep woods.
 3:15 a.m.  Arrive back home and pick up gun.
 3:30 a.m.  Drive like hell to get to the woods before daylight.
 4:00 a.m.  Set up camp -- forgot the damn tent!
 4:30 a.m.  Head into the woods.
 6:05 a.m.  See a deer.
 6:06 a.m.  Take aim and squeeze trigger.
 6:07 a.m.  Load gun while watching deer go over the hill.
 8:00 a.m.  Head back to camp.
 9:00 a.m.  Still looking for camp.
10:00 a.m.  Realize you don't have a clue where camp is.
12:00 noon  Fire gun for help -- eat wild berries.
12:15 p.m.  Out of bullets -- 6 deer come by.
12:20 p.m.  Strange feeling in stomach.
12:30 p.m.  Realize you ate poisoned berries.
12:45 p.m.  Rescued.
12:55 p.m.  Rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped.
 3:00 p.m.  Arrive back at camp.
 3:30 p.m.  Leave camp to kill deer.
 4:00 p.m.  Arrive back at camp for bullets.
 4:01 p.m.  Load gun.  Leave camp again.
 5:00 p.m.  Empty gun on squirrel that's bugging you.
 6:00 p.m.  Arrive at camp -- see deer grazing at camp.
 6:01 p.m.  Load gun.
 6:02 p.m.  Fire gun.
 6:03 p.m.  Hit pick up.
 6:06 p.m.  Partner returns to camp dragging 6 point buck.
 6:07 p.m.  Suppress strong desire to shoot partner.
 6:08 p.m.  Fall into campfire.
 6:10 p.m.  Change clothes.  Throw burned ones in fire.
 6:16 p.m.  Take pick up, leave partner and his deer in the woods.
 6:25 p.m.  Pick up boils over due to hole shot in block.
 6:26 p.m.  Begin walking.
 6:35 p.m.  Stumble and fall -- drop gun in mud.
 6:40 p.m.  Meet bear.
 6:42 p.m.  Fire gun, blow up barrel -- plugged with mud.
 6:43 p.m.  Wet pants.
 6:44 p.m.  Climb tree.
 9:00 p.m.  Bear departs.  Wrap $@!%&^* gun around tree.
12:00 midn  Home at last!

Sunday:     Watch football game on T.V. slowly tearing hunting
            license into little pieces.  Place into envelope.
            Mail to game warder with clever instruction on where
            to place it!
==========
Date:         Mon, 11 Oct 1993 21:30:15 +0100
From:         Dirk VanGulik <[e-mail]>
Subject:      clean, NOT sexist

Q: how do make a man's brain look like a pea ??
A: Inflate it and paint it green...
==========
Date:         Tue, 12 Oct 1993 02:05:01 SAT
From:         TomCat <[e-mail]>
Organization: King Fahd University of Petroleum and Minerals, S.A.
Subject:      Child thinking

Hi everyone!
i have a silly jok but i think i must post something to feel that i am alive
so i will post this jok.

One day a child ask her mother this questions

child : Mother who brought this TV set ?
Mother: Honey Mr.Jack brought it.
Child : Mother who brought this wall lamb ?
Mother: Honey Mr. James Brought it?

And the child continue asking her mother who brought this and this and every
time the mother tell her a name of friend to the fimaly then the child ask

Child : Mother what about my father, he didn't bring anything?
Mother: Honey if i depand on your father you will never being born!! :)

       TomCat
==========
Date:         Mon, 11 Oct 1993 17:15:06 PDT
Comments:     Warning -- original Sender: tag was
              [e-mail]
From:         [e-mail]
Subject:      Life  2.M     A collection of clean humor gather: 12 Jan 88

----------------------------------------------------

  Excerpts from:  Year in Review for 1987  -by Dave Barry

January

21 -- The Audi Corporation is forced to recall 250,000 cars after
repeated incidents wherein parked Audis, apparently acting on their own,
used their mobile phones to purchase stocks on margin.

28 -- In the Middle East, Syria has its name legally changed to
"Jordan."  A welcome calm settles over Beirut as the six remaining
civilians are taken hostage.

February

3 -- In the ongoing war against the federal budget deficit, Congress
gives itself a pay raise.

23 -- Panic grips the nation as a terrorist group seizes 150,000 new,
improved W-4 forms and threatens to send them to randomly selected
Americans through the mail.

March

21 -The IRS releases an even newer, simpler W-4 form in response to
complaints from a number of taxpayers, all of whom will be audited for
the rest of their lives.

May

4 -- The Hart story becomes so hot that issue-oriented Phil Donahue
devotes a show to it, canceling the regular weekly appearance of the
sex-change lesbian surrogate-mother nude-dancer ex-priests.

29 -- Nineteen-year-old German Mathias Rust, flying a single-engined
Cessna airplane, manages to cross 400 miles of Soviet airspace to reach
Red Square in Moscow, where he narrowly avoids colliding with a Delta
Air Lines flight en route from Pittsburgh to Cleveland.

30 -- Caspar Weinberger orders 5,000 single-engine Cessna airplanes.

June

18 -- A survey of Florida residents reveals that their number one
concern about the state is that "not enough people are walking around
with guns." Alarmed, the state Legislature passes a law under which all
citizens who are not actually on Death Row will be REQUIRED to carry
revolvers.


Copyright 1987 Knight-Ridder Newspapers
==========
Date:         Tue, 12 Oct 1993 08:04:05 EST
From:         ADKO000 Kathleen Olivier - Computer Center <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Clean Catholic Confessional

An 85 year old man enters the confessional and shouts to the
priest "Father, I just screwed a 19 year old woman."  Noticing
the man's lack of proper confessional etiquette, the priest asks
"My son, are you Catholic?"  "No, Father, I'm not." he replied.
"Then why are you telling me?" asked the priest.  And the old
gentleman responded "I'm telling everyone."
==========
Date:         Tue, 12 Oct 1993 09:25:34 -0400
From:         Michael Ligas <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Pedophile Joke (offensive to catholics)

        A rabbi, Catholic priest, and a lawyer are aboard a ship
        carrying them and 50 schoolchildren across the English Channel.

        The ship starts to sink and they have to pile into a lifeboat.
        However, the Rabbi quickly notices that the life boat has a
        capacity of 50 people.

        "We obviously have to save the children," the rabbi says, "I
        pray that the Almighty will save my life."  And then he jumps
        into the water.

        The lawyer takes one look at the priest and then grabs one of
        the kids rushing into the boat.

        "Fuck the kids," says the lawyer.

        Says the priest, "Do you think we have time?"
==========
Date:         Tue, 12 Oct 1993 09:31:51 -0400
From:         "Amy L. Ward" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Top Ten Lists for October 5 - October 7

---> October 5, 1993 <---

==========
Top Ten Ways To Annoy A Supreme Court Justice
==========

10. Say things like, "Hey, it's one o'clock in the afternoon, why the hell
    are you still in your robe?"
 9. Eat exhibit A
 8. Switch gavel with grand piano; Sit back and watch him try to pick up a
    grand piano
 7. Whenever there's a quiet moment during a case, groan "Boooooring"
 6. When he sentences you to life in prison, just yell "screw off," leave
    the courtroom, go have a nice afternoon at the movies
 5. Shortsheet his robe
 4. Keep asking, "Where's Rusty?"
 3. He says, "Approach the bench."  You say, "Approach this!"
 2. Ask him to find a legal precedent that exempts talk show hosts from all
    posted speeds on the Hutchinson River Parkway
 1. Release the robe chiggers



---> October 6, 1993 <---

==========
Top Ten Things That Will Get You On The Evening News
==========

10. Drink Windex until you see a U.F.O.
 9. Become famous in the field of the arts, science, politics, or what
    have you; Then pass away
 8. Get elected President and let your wife run the country while you eat
    non-stop
 7. Retire from your 75 million dollar a year job in the NBA to catch up
    on Donahue
 6. Ask Janet Reno out on a date, actually show up
 5. Marry Sonny and Cher
 4. Add an "E" to "Potato"
 3. Host late-night talk show, then get pulled over for speeding
 2. Beat the crap out of Barney in a Texas shopping mall
 1. Two words: Tarmac haircut



--> October 7, 1993 <---

==========
Top Ten Madonna's Hotel Demands
==========

10. Complimentary handcuffs on pillow
 9. 24-hour leather repair
 8. Must accept "Madonna Dollars"
 7. Guy dressed like pirate who says "Aye, it's Madonna." whenever she
    enters room
 6. Sheets changed every hour
 5. Bath tub must fit entire soccer team
 4. Gideon bible with "Thou shalt nots" edited out
 3. If she leaves her bra outside the door, it should be returned polished
    the next morning
 2. "Do not disturb" sign must be changed to "Please take a number"
 1. A squad of pantsless bellboys
==========
Date:         Tue, 12 Oct 1993 14:31:11 +0100
From:         Alun Richards <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: More Franglais & Very offensive to Hamsters & Sellotape

Well asgard.clare.tased.edu.au, you're absolutely right, it was
crap.  I missed the accent off the la.  Sorry about that.
And just in case nobody's posted this one:

Q: Why do you wrap hamsters in Sellotape?
A: So they don't split when you fuck them.
==========
Date:         Tue, 12 Oct 1993 10:27:19 -0400
From:         [e-mail]
Subject:      Broken Pecker Joke (sexual)

A guy takes his broken pecker to a doctor for treatment. The doctor tells
him there's nothing he can do for him except wrap it up with a splint. That
night he and his girlfriend are necking and she keeps waiting for him to
go a little further.

She removes her blouse and says, "Look at this...untouched by human hands."

He doesn't respond.

Then she removes her pants and says, "Look at this...untouched by human
hands."

At this, he jumps up, drops his drawers and says, "Look at this...still in
the crate."
==========
Date:         Tue, 12 Oct 1993 14:33:35 GMT
From:         Adrian Littler <[e-mail]>
Subject:      More Micheal Jackson jokes

Apologies if these jokes have been posted before. Some appeared in "The Sun"
a British tabloid paper.

#1

Fourteen kids were drowned on Micheal Jackson's ranch.........His waterbed
burst!

#2

What does Micheal jackson have after dinner?
under Eights (a sweet, After Eights, is traditionally in UK had with coffee
after a meal)

#3

What is M. J.'s latest single
Don't let the son (sun) go down on me

#4
Have you heard M. J. is cutting down on his drinking?
He's down to two tots a night!
==========
Date:         Tue, 12 Oct 1993 12:48:07 -0400
From:         Ian Chai <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Religious team names

I read in a religious mailing list:
==============
> I've said for a long time that we ought to quietly change the namess
> of teams like braves, indians and redskins to names like pilgrims, puritans
> and calvinists.  Let those who understand honor be honored; let those who
> view such names as a dishonor slink quietly away.  Who cares.  There are
> real problems in the world today without manufacturing petty ones.

GOOD IDEA! As long as it doesn't foster too much competition between the
different groups. I can see it now: The Calvinists womped up on the
Arminians 10-2 in last nights game. It must have been foreordained!
==============

For those of you who don't know, Calvinists believe that everything is
predestined while Arminians believe in free will.
==========
Date:         Tue, 12 Oct 1993 14:40:48 AST
From:         Bob Sanford <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Dog joke - clean (mostly)

This man came home late one night after a bout of elbow-tipping and
found that he was very hungry.  He looked in the fridge and only
found some sort of meat-like spread. He made a couple of sandwiches
from it and found it to be delicious.

The next morning he asked his wife what that delicious concoction was
that he had eaten. She said, "My God, that was dog food!"

He replied, "Well, get some more because I liked it so well."

She obliged. Now she is not only buying dog food for the dog but for
her husband as well, who is gobbling it like there is no tomorrow.

Her grocer asks her one day about the amount of dog food that she is
constantly buying. When she tells him that it is for her husband he
says, "My good grief, that stuff will kill him!" She just shrugs and
buys more dog food. Every time she comes into the store the grocer
tells her that eating dog food will kill her hasband. She ignores him.

After a time, she comes into the store wearing a black dress and a
veil. The grocer says, "See, I told you that eating all that dog food
would kill your husband." She replies, "It wasn't the dog food that
killed him. The damn fool was sitting a stool in the kitchen trying
to lick himself and he fell off and broke his neck.
==========
Date:         Tue, 12 Oct 1993 13:28:17 CDT
From:         STACY BICHELMEYER <[e-mail]>
Organization: KSU Ag and Cooperative Extension
Subject:      Dahmer (gross)

Did you know that Jeffrey Dahmer kept the noses of all his victims in
the refrigerator?

Yep.  He wanted to open up a franchise - "Dahmernose pizza!"
==========
Date:         Tue, 12 Oct 1993 14:58:27 EDT
From:         Se Lareow Patricius <[e-mail]>
Subject:      a new old version of an old joke

here's a little joke I came up with the other day...

to understand it, realize that
A: in medieval times, the barber was also the doctor
B: It doesn't really make sense anyway

It's based on the "Doctor, my arm hurts when I do this" "Well, don't
do that" joke of old...

A peasant goes to visit the barber, and says
"Barber, my arm hurts whenever I do this..." (waving arm)
The barber naturally answers
"Well, we'll drain a pint of blood and clear that right up"

--Riff
==========
Date:         Tue, 12 Oct 1993 10:01:51 PDT
Comments:     Warning -- original Sender: tag was
              [e-mail]
From:         [e-mail]
Subject:      Life  2.M     A collection of clean humor gather: 12 Jan 88

  Excerpts from:  Year in Review for 1987  -by Dave Barry

August

10 -- The U.S. space probe Meanderer II, after a journey of six years
and many millions of miles, passes within 400 miles of the surface of
Neptune, sending back dramatic color photographs of a Delta Air Lines jet.

22 -- Rumors circulate that Gary Hart will re-enter the presidential
race.  Johnny Carson places his writers on Full Red Alert.

September

12 -- In the ongoing hearings, Sen. Joseph Biden pledges to consider the
Bork nomination "with total objectivity," adding: "You have that on my
honor not only as a Senator, but also as the Prince of Wales."

October

25 -- The Senate Transportation Committee recommends that the federal
speed limit should be raised on highways going through boring or ugly
areas, so drivers can get through them quicker.  "In Indiana, for
instance," the committee says, "it should be 135 miles per hour."

November

1 -- In the ongoing heroic effort to trim the federal budget deficit,
House and Senate conferees agree not to order appetizers.

15 -- In their continuing heroic deficit-reduction efforts, House and
Senate conferees agree to continue working right through their 2:30
racquetball appointment.

29 -- The world financial community's faith in the U.S. economy is
restored as heroic House and Senate conferees hammer out a breakthrough
compromise deficit-reduction measure under which $417.65 will be slashed
from the $13.2 million pastry budget of the Federal Bureau of Putting Up
Road Signs With Kilometers On Them.

December

27 -- Oscar C. Klaxton, an employee of the U.S. Department for Making
Everybody Nervous, wins a $10,000 prize for dreaming up the concept of a
deadly "hole" in an invisible "ozone layer."

Copyright 1987 Knight-Ridder Newspapers
==========
Date:         Tue, 12 Oct 1993 15:29:09 -0400
From:         Dale Schroyer <[e-mail]>
Subject:      A slightly dirty joke

What is the definition of wicker box???

It's what Elmer Fudd wants to do to Madonna.
==========
Date:         Tue, 12 Oct 1993 16:23:33 CST
From:         Weasel <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Sexist Q&A

Q. Why are women like computers?                               /\ /\
A. You take them both for granted until they go down on you.    . .
                                                                /"\
To MARK_MCD : They may be old, but unlike fads and styles,
              universal truths are good forever.
==========
Date:         Tue, 1 Jan 1980 00:52:22 -0600
From:         Tom Perry <[e-mail]>
Subject:      The Bayou

I had an uncle named Pierre that was from Baton Rouge.  (Lots of people in
that part of the country are named Pierre.)  One day he was out on the bayou
fishing and relaxing and thinking.  As he gazed around his boat he noticed a
stump about twelve or fifteen yards from shore that was sticking up out of
the water.  On the stump was a hickory nut.

When he glance over at the shore, he saw a little gray squirrel running up
and down and eying the hickory nut.  The squirrel knew that it couldn't swim
out to the hickory nut because the alligators would get him.  However, he
really wanted that hickory nut.  Finally it came upon a plan.  It backed up
about twenty feet and got a running start and jumped all the way to the
stump and ate the delicious hickory nut.

After finishing its meal it began to realize that it had an entirely new
problem.  There was no way to get a running start from the stump and the
squirrel could not otherwise make the jump of fifteen yards to shore.  After
a few hours it was getting hungry and cold and decided that drastic action
was now necessary so it jumped as far as it could and tried to swim the rest
of the way.  But, alas, it was quickly eaten by the alligator.

Pierre watched this drama of nature and felt a tear come to his eye.  At the
same time he noticed a green claw come out of the water and put a new
hickory nut on the stump.
==========
Date:         Tue, 12 Oct 1993 17:11:58 CDT
From:         Ed Johnson <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Auburn

Q: What's the difference between Auburn and Mayberry?
A: Mayberry's still on television.

                               Ed Johnson
                               The University of Alabama
==========
Date:         Tue, 12 Oct 1993 15:35:43 PDT
From:         Wayne Torman <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Offensive to Epileptics!

Q: What do you do if you find an epileptic in your bathtub?

A: Throw in your laundry!
==========
Date:         Tue, 12 Oct 1993 21:14:53 EST
From:         Tommy Hughes <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Tagline from the Internet

Ifyoucanreadthis,youspendtoomuchtimefiguringouttaglines.
IneedsignificantlymoreroominthislineforwhatIwanttosay.
SCUD : (S)ure (C)ould (U)se (D)irections.
(A)bort (R)etry (I)nfluence with large hammer.
System Failure.  Push (B)ullshit  (W)hine  (S)urrender.
USAir = (U)nderwater (S)eating (A)vailable (I)n (R)ear.
==========
Date:         Tue, 12 Oct 1993 23:24:18 EST
From:         "Bill Edwards, Columbus College, Georgia" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Academic joke <researchers beware>

   A psychology professor goes to his physician with the complaint that
he is in agony. Every part of his body that he touches hurts like heck--
his nose, his knee, his stomach, everything, everywhere.

   The physician asks, "I see that you are a psychology professor, is
that correct?"

   "Yes, what does that have to do with my pain?"

   "Professor, could you please tell me about your philosophy and
methodology. Are you a behaviorist, or phenomenologist, or something
else?"

   "I'm impressed doc, I didn't realize you knew so much about academe.
I'm a behaviorist and of course I use strictly empirical methodologies in
my research."

   The physician smiles, "Oh now I understand, let me look at your hand. It
sounds like you have a broken finger."
==========
Date:         Tue, 12 Oct 1993 23:57:16 EDT
From:         Debra Ortiz <[e-mail]>
Organization: School of Medicine
Subject:      help

Q:  How can you tell a sumo wrestler from a feminist?
A.  A Sumo wrestler shaves his legs.
==========
Date:         Wed, 13 Oct 1993 00:03:14 EDT
From:         Debra Ortiz <[e-mail]>
Organization: School of Medicine
Subject:      help

Q.  How can you tell the difference between a sumo wrestler and a
feminist?
A.  The sumo wrestler shaves his legs.
==========
Date:         Wed, 13 Oct 1993 09:38:00 -0400
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Tom Ohlendorf - TSU Admin. DP,
              [phone]" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Silly Jokes?

As some of you may know, prostitution is legal in some parts of Nevada. The
working girls must go through some rigorous physical checks. One day a group
of working girls were in line waiting for their check up. This old lady walking
by saw the line and asked, "What are they giving away?" One smart mouth in the
line said, "Ice cream!". The old lady decided to get in line for her free ice
cream. When she came to the doctor he looked at her, shook his head, and said,
"Tch, tch, tch. And at your age!" She replied, "Well I can lick it, can't I?"

Father O'Riley was a priest in a highly catholic neighborhood in Ulster,
Ireland. Everyday he would mount the pulpit and harang the British. At first
the parishoners were behind him, but, after awhile it got to be stale. They
began complaining to the Bishop. Finally, the bishop told Fathe O'Riley that
if he did not another subject for his sermon other than the British then don't
give a sermon. Father O'Riley complied and for many months there was no
sermon. Then on Easter Sunday, Father O'Riley mounted the pulpit again. "Dear hearts,"
he began, "I'm going to talk to you about the last supper. Jesus was sitting
with the apostles and made the announcement that one of the twelve would be
responsible for his death. Peter, the rock of the new church, replied, 'It is
not me, is it Lord?'. And then Paul spoke up, 'I would not do such a thing,
Lord'. The Thomas, the doubter spoke, 'I would noty harm you Master'. They all
went in turn, asking if it would be them until it reached that scoundrel
Judas. Judas said, 'It is not me, Govnah'".

Some sexist jokes have been going back and forth on the list. I'll now share
the following that I saw on another BBS. These will be offensive to women.

One guy wrote in:

Why did the woman cross the road?

Who cares, she should have been in the kitchen!

Another guy wrote in:

Why did the woman cross the road?

Who cares, she should have been in the bedroom!

A lady wrote in:

Those two were terrible. Is there anyone out there with a joke about male
chauvenist pigs?

I wrote in:

OK, why did the male chauvenist pig cross the road?

He was chasing the two women that should have been in the kitchen and bedroom.

==========
Date:         Wed, 13 Oct 1993 09:20:52 EDT
From:         Ron Chibnik <[e-mail]>
Subject:      STOP SILLY JOKES - dirty joke.

There's these three rats sitting at the bar talking.

The first says, "I'm so tough, once I ate a whole bagful of rat poison!"

The second says, "Well I'm so tough, once I was caught ina rat trap and
I bit it apart!"

Then the third rat gets up and says, "Later guys, I'm off to fuck the cat.
==========
Date:         Wed, 13 Oct 1993 10:16:38 -0500
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "We carry in our hearts the true country..."
              <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Murphy's Laws on Sex (relatively clean)

MURPHY'S LAWS ON SEX

 1 The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to
   leave her with no hard feelings.
 2 Nothing improves with age.
 3 No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because
   it'll never be quite the same again.
 4 Sex has no calories.
 5 Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of
   trouble.
 6 There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
 7 Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
 8 No sex with anyone in the same office.
 9 Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or
   how long it is going to last.
10 A man in the house is worth two in the street.

The follow are some 'general' rules and observations on the subject:

11 If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
12 Virginity can be cured.
13 When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops
   listening to him.
14 Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
15 The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same
   ones she can't stand years later.
16 Sex is dirty only if it's done right.
17 It is always the wrong time of the month.
18 The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
19 When the lights are out, all women/men are beautiful.
20 Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't
   either.
21 Sow your wild oats on Saturday night -- then on Sunday pray for crop
   failure.
22 The younger the better.
23 The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.
24 It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused
   the trouble in the garden.
25 Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
26 Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.
27 There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex.
   But there is nothing exactly like it.
28 Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.
29 Love is a hole in the heart.
30 If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into
   our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.
31 Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.
32 Do it only with the best.
33 Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter
   words to convey its full meaning.
34 One good turn gets most of the blankets.
35 You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.
36 Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
37 It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
38 Thou shalt not commit adultery.....unless in the mood.
39 Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
40 Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
41 Never argue with a woman when she's tired -- or rested.
42 A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he
   couldn't.
43 What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
44 It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
45 Never say no.
46 A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.
47 Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.
48 Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
49 Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
50 A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.
51 Loves comes in spurts.
52 Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are
   unimportant.
53 Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking about.
54 Don't do it if you can't keep it up.
55 There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in
   love.
56 Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.

From: Kenneth Pruett <[e-mail]>
==========
Date:         Wed, 13 Oct 1993 11:00:53 -0400
From:         "Dawn M. Shotts" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Andrew Dice Clay's Nursery Rhymes
You forgot one:

Little boy blew;  HEY he needed the money!!!
==========
Date:         Wed, 13 Oct 1993 11:15:59 EST
From:         Theresa Muir <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Let's give the usual victims a break,
              and offend a different group today

Although in recent years, the Irish seem to have been shamefully
neglected as a good group to ridicule (except perhaps in the UK),
I come from a huge (what other kind is there?) Irish family, and telling
jokes at our own expense occupies a lot of our time at family
gatherings, e.g.:

A  VERY pregnant Irish woman awakes in the middle of the night and
says to her husband, "Paddy, darlin' turn on the light, the baby's comin'"
Paddy turns on the light, and they successfully deliver a little baby,
get it fed, stick it in a cradle, and go back to sleep.
A bit later, the wife says,"Bejesus, Paddy, turn on the light.  It's
twins, it is!"
Paddy turns on the light; second baby delivered, fed, cradled; couple
goes back to sleep.
(This happens as many times as you like)
Finally, the wife awakens, and cries, "Bejesus, Paddy, another one,
turn on the light!"
Paddy, without turning over in bed, says: "I will not.  It's the light
that's attracting 'em."

One Sunday morning, while walking to church, Paddy askes Bridget,
"Bridget, do we have sexual relations?"
Bridget: "Not on my side of the family, we don't."

Q. What's Irish foreplay?
A. "Brace yourself, Bridget!"

Q. What is the most useless thing on a woman's body?
A. An Irishman.


Slainte,
Theresa

P.S.  you are all probably familiar with the lunacy that happens in
New York City every spring when the gay group wants to march in the
St. Patrick's Day Parade, and the Ancient Order of Hibernians (or the
Ancient Order of Hibernators, as we call them) won't let them in.

Having had some experience with elderly Irish relatives, my take on the
situation is that it isn't that the group is "gay" that bugs them.
Half of them don't even know what gay people are.
It's the fact that they can see that word "homosexual" has the word
"sex" in it that bugs them.

Erin go bragh!
T.
==========
Date:         Wed, 13 Oct 1993 11:15:00 EST
From:         "Haussler, BJ." <[e-mail]>
Subject:      CLEAN JOKE FOR HANI

No, no, no, Hani............The point is to DELETE what you don't want to
read. Right on Tom!  Keep 'em coming Folks! Just the way they are. There are
those of us who LOVE dirty jokes, sexist jokes, blonde jokes, etc.

OB joke just for Hani....

After having ten children, the Fermis decided they didn't want to have any
more. Thus they went to the doctor for advice on birth control. He gave them
a box of condoms, and told them that if they used them during sex, the
chances were slim that they'd have any more children.

Two months later, they were back in the doctor's office. "Well," said the
physician, "I don't understand it, but Mrs. Fermi is pregnant again. Did you
use the condoms like I told you?"

"You bet," said Mrs. Fermi. "We followed alla de instructions - except that
since we no have de organ, I put it on de tambourine."

******************

And now a  JOKE:


Going to the drugstore, the woman asked the pharmacist what would help get
rid of her husband's dandruff. He recommended HEAD and SHOULDERS.

The next day she reutrned and he asked how the treatment was going.

"Fine, I gues," she said, "only how do you give 'shoulder'?"


Beej
==========
Date:         Wed, 13 Oct 1993 11:47:29 -0400
From:         JOHN GALT <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Offensive to dead babies

Q: What is easier to unload, a truck full of Dead Babies or a
truck full of bowling balls?
A: Dead Babies, you can use a pitchfork
Q: What's the difference between a truck load of dead babies and
a truck load of bricks?
A: You can't use a pitchfork on bricks.
Q: What's the difference between a barrel of water and a barrel
of babies?
A: You can't shovel water with a pitchfork.
Q: How do you load 100 screaming babies onto a truck?
A: A pitchfork.
Q: How do you unload a truck full of babies?
A: With a pitchfork.
Q: Why do you unload a truck full of babies with a pitchfork?
A: So you can tell which ones are still alive.
Q: What's this? (hold arms out and shake them)
A: A live one.
Q: How do you know when you hit a live one?
A: The pitchfork shakes
Q: How do you find the live baby in a pile of dead ones?
A: Jab 'em all with a pitchfork.
Q: What is worse than that?
A: At the bottom of the pile, there was one trying to eat its
way out
Q: What is worse than that?
A: It made it
Q: What is worse than that?
A: It went back for seconds!

A woman was lying in her hospital bed recuperating after an
intense 12 hour delivery of a bouncing baby boy.
Moments later the hospital room door opened, and in walked
the delivery nurse carrying the baby boy ....
SUDDENLY the nurse THROWS the baby on the floor, kicks it up
against the wall, picks it up and TWIRLS it around several times
and THROWS it against the wall....
Well, just bewildered, the woman gives out a loud SHREEEK and
hollers MY GOD ..... WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY BABY ??????
The Nurse chuckles a little to herself 'April Fools', she
says...
He was ALREADY DEAD !!!!!!!!!!
==========
Date:         Wed, 13 Oct 1993 12:05:36 EDT
From:         Steven Gorelick <[e-mail]>
Organization: The Graduate School / CUNY

Can someone tell me how to limit the postings I receive to ONE daily
digest.

Thanks

Steve
==========
Date:         Wed, 13 Oct 1993 11:14:09 -0600
From:         NAME <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Clinton

I have been saddened to learn recently that both Halloween and
Thanksgiving have been outlawed and therefore will not be celebrated
in Arkansas this year.  It appears that the Witch has left the state
and that she took the Turkey with her.
==========
Date:         Wed, 13 Oct 1993 12:21:55 -0400
Comments:     Warning -- original Sender: tag was [e-mail]
From:         [e-mail]
Subject:      Terms for your dictionary....(G, Clean)

 Fictionary .....


        Nagagator:  map-reading back-seat driver.
        Graffaxi:   unsolicited comments received on a facsimile machine.
        Kleptocracy: corrupt government.
        Prima doughnut: cruller worth singing about.
        Sellebrity: athlete in TV commercial.
                                - Reader Digest -
==========
Date:         Wed, 13 Oct 1993 16:41:39 BST
From:         Mike Ellwood <[e-mail]>
Subject:      isms

Back in the bad old days before Yeltsin brought democracy(?) to Russia,
and Brezhnev ruled the roost, the good citizens of Moscow were getting
really vodka'd-off by the endless shortages and queues. One day, Ivan
said to Mrs Ivan, "This is no  good; I can't stand these queues any longer;
I'm going to take my old army revolver and shoot comrade Brezhnev!"
Mrs Ivan was shocked and terrified but she knew there was no stopping Ivan.
especially on Friday nights for example. She sat in her kitchen worrying
over what would become of her when Ivan was sent to Siberia. Then the door
opened but it was not the KGB but Ivan, who slinked in looking really down,
and put the revolver on the table. "So what happened ,what happened?!"
she screamed. "Well you see dear, I just couldn't get near...there was a
queue...."


(Apparently, a version of this joke was going round Berlin (about Hitler).
in the last days of WWII, when the Germans knew the war was over, Berlin
was surrounded and there was no food to be had anywhere.

I have no doubt that a version of it is being told about Yeltsin as we speak,
and will no doubt be told about his successors after he finally blows it
big-time.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three people were out wallking:
A lawyer who charges exorbitant fees,
a lawyer who charges reasonable fees,
and Santa Claus.

Suddenly they see a fifty pound note on the ground.
Q: Who picks it up?

A: The lawyer who charges exorbitant fees of course;
the other two are just a figment of your imagination!
:-)
==========
Date:         Wed, 13 Oct 1993 12:19:07 CST
From:         Weasel <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Sexist (but clean) Q&A

Q. Why did God create Adam first?          /\ /\
A. To give him a chance to say something.   . .
                                            /"\
==========
Date:         Wed, 13 Oct 1993 15:12:00 EDT
From:         "Mark A. Black" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      About the sex jokes...

Hani or Abdullah,

  Quit being a wuss...It isn't hurting anyone by telling a sex joke if
it is in good taste...And also it is labeled in the subject line so if
you feel that you are going to be insulted then delete it before you
read it...Then you won't be upset or intimidated..

Later,
Black..
==========
Date:         Wed, 13 Oct 1993 15:58:11 EST
From:         Joe Mole <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Soup stories <Mulla>

BOILING SOUP

     The Mulla's wife was angry with him.  She accordingly brought
him his soup boiling hot, and did not warn him that it might scald
him.

     But she was hungry herself, and as soon as the soup was
served, she took a gulp of it.  Tears of pain came to her eyes.
But she still hoped that the Mulla would burn himself.

     "My dear, what is the matter?"  asked Nasrudin.

     "I was only thinking about my poor old mother.  She used to
like this soup, when she was alive."

     Nasrudin took a scalding mouthful from his own bowl.

     Tears coursed down his cheek.

     "Are you crying Nasrudin?"

     "Yes, I am crying at the thought that your old mother is dead,
poor thing; and left someone like you in the land of the living."

DUCK SOUP

     A kinsman came to see the Mulla from somewhere deep in the
country, bringing a duck as a gift.  Delighted, Nasrudin had the
bird cooked and shared it with his guest.  Presently, however, one
countryman after another started to call, each one the friend of
the "man who brought you the duck."  No further presents were
forthcoming.  Yet, each stranger expected a meal.

     At length the Mulla was exasperated.  One day yet another
stranger appeared.  "I'm the friend of the friend of the friend of
the relative who brought you the duck."

     He sat down, like all the rest, expecting a meal.  Nasrudin
handed him a bowl of hot water.

     "What is this?"

     "That is the soup of the soup of the soup of the duck which
was brought by my relative."
==========
Date:         Wed, 13 Oct 1993 15:03:04 -0500
From:         Forrest Baulieu <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Irish joke

When the world was created, God placed three Golden telephones on the
earth.  These golden telephones were direct lines to God, Himself.
Recently, a fellow felt the need to speak directly to God.  After
doing a little research, he discovers one golden telephone is in Jerusalem,
one is in Rome, and one is in a small town in Ireland.  He flies to Jerusalem
first.  There, in a huge temple, the telephone was kept.  It took several
days to go through the paperwork, and make his way up the administrative
ladder, but finally the man talks to the Rabbi who is in charge of the phone.
"I'd like to use the golden phone, please".
"Alright.  The fee is $100,000."
The man was astounded.  "Too much!"
**insert phony accent and ethnic mannerisms in bartering here**
The man flies to the Vatican where he goes through much the same process.
When he gets to see the Cardinal in charge of the phone, he says,"I
want to use the golden phone, please."
The Cardinal says, "very well, my son, but you must make a donation of
$500,000 to the Church."
"What?!" yells the man.  They only charged $100,000 in Jerusalem.
**insert accented disparaging remarks about the business practices
of the Jews here***

So, to make a long story longer, the man finally flies to Ireland, where
he has no trouble finding the small church with the golden telephone.  No
red tape, no hassle.  The elderly priest welcomes him, and when the man
says, "I want to use the golden telephone.  How much do *you* charge?", the
priest replies "Just 38 cents, me boy".
"38 cents!  But in Jerusalem they charged 100,000 and in the Vatican, they
charged $500,000."
In his delightful brogue, the priest responds, "Ah, but you're in Ireland--
here it is a LOCAL call."
==========
Date:         Wed, 13 Oct 1993 16:14:52 EST
From:         Dani Mudge <[e-mail]>
Subject:      French nun and hot dogs <sexually suggestive>

French Nuns

Two young French nuns had the opportunity to come to America.  Before
leaving, the Mother Superior told them that during their visit they must
try the American hot dog.  After arriving in New York, they went
directly to a concession stand and ordered two hot dogs.  The first nun
got hers and opened the bun to see what it looked like.  She exclaimed,
"Ma Cherie', guess what part of the dog I got?"

Cute! ;)
==========
Date:         Wed, 13 Oct 1993 16:14:00 CDT
From:         "George M. Cohen Jr." <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Chevy Chase Show Status

I like Chevy, he's very different, but he needs some better guests.

On a related subject  DavidLetterman last night had Howeird Stern on.
He was dressed like the cover of his new book.  No, this is not an endorsement
of his 750,000 copy selling book, but he was funny.  He wore a long black bath
robe.  On the cover of his new book, he is showing as little of his
(grosss.....) body as posible with this same robe.  There was some doubt to
whose body was on the cover.  I realy wouldn't admit to having that body!!!!!
He stands up, and on live TV (well it's tape delay, but live sounds so
impresive) he disrobes.  Under his robe he is wearing this obscene outfit.
He looked just like Tim Curry on Rocky Horror Picture Show!!!!  I laughed
so hard that I p**d on myself!!!!!  I am requesting
a tape of this performance to keep in my must see colection.

David was in shock.  He tried to do it again later and he covered his eyes....
I would have done the same.
==========
Date:         Wed, 13 Oct 1993 14:41:16 PDT
From:         Josh Choen <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Silly joke (if you're Polish)

So what does a Polish woman get on her wedding night that's long and hard?
A1. A new last name
A2. Nothing
----------------------------------------------------------------------- 35